Sunday 25th November

Today was my second check in with my coach. My weight stayed the same but my measurements moved around a bit, which is good, as this week has been a very anxious and stressful week.

I’ve been at work everyday organising a large number of recruits as well as organising a very successful training day and getting ready for a busy Christmas period. Ontop of that I’ve been training, cooking and trying my best to get a decent nights sleep each night. Training has actually been good, hitting PB’s most sessions, including a leg press PB of 160kg for 8 which I am very happy about.

Sleep…well that’s always been a challenge for me, but I did hit 6hrs for 2 of my nights which is close to the aim of 7hrs.

However, the biggest thing for me this week has been my anxiety levels. Little things other people have done have led me to overthink and spiral. I’ve kept going, refusing to take any days off and hoping I’d snap out of it. No luck as of yet.

Yesterday, at the PT course, it was me and 3 other guys. Now I’m used to being surrounded by males and the response I receive about lifting weights. To be fair it is normally very positive if the man is educated about fitness. However, these men would refuse to work with me, choosing to work as a group of 3 and leaving me to coach, well, myself. I was fine getting on with it and rising above it, but the second the teacher pointed it out to me, (in attempts to make light of an obviously uncomfortable situation I think), I started to feel self conscious and felt my anxiety spiral. As soon as possible I ran out of the gym and headed home, instead of meeting my friends to support one of the PT’s in my gym in his boxing match (which he won btw).

Then ontop of that I received a now obvious fake fraudulent email threatening me and telling me they had been stalking me for a while. Having called my bank to ensure that that was secure and explained the situation they told me to call the police just in case. This affected my workout last night, distracting me and pulling my focus away from engaging my back muscles to panic. My usual method of pulling myself out of a funk did not work. So I trained as best as possible, headed home and decided to snuggle up on the sofa and watch TV, something I very rarely do. And I felt a bit better.

Now, the next day, I see that those 3 guys were merely unsure of how to handle a girl who lifts and most probably knows more than them as she trains in the gym and they don’t. I can also see that that email was an obvious hoax and that I should just chill out. And yet I can’t.

The difficult thing is, after all of this happened, I didn’t know who to call. My parents, as supportive as they are, are judgemental about some of the choices I have made (bodybuilding in particular) and struggle to comprehend the effects mental health have on me. They’re also ridiculously busy with their own lives as well as managing 4 other children. My friends hardly ever hear from me as I’m so busy. Would you want to receive a random text from your friend about a jarble of panic after not talking for a week? Sure if they’re a good friend they wouldn’t mind. But that doesn’t go through my head. I don’t want to worry them. So I find myself alone, having to overcome these challenges alone. And I don’t mind that. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?

I’m focusing on the positives though, the fact remains that I have not stopped as I would have done, I have continued. No workouts have stopped, no days have been missed on my PT course, my diet hasn’t slipped and I’ve continued going into work. This, as challenging as it is, shows me how much stronger I have got. It also reminds me just how much of a journey mental health is. I’m by no means fixed. I’ve had old urges appear this week such as self harming or over eating but have fought them and here I am. Still here. Ticking along.

I just wanted to write all this as I wait for a bus, in the cold, on my way to teach for 2 hours after a long day of PT training. When I get home I’ll plan my week and get myself organised and then rest up for a busy, hectic and hopefully more positive week!

13/11/18

Being busy teaches you the importance of rest. Now I don’t know the last time I had a complete day to do nothing; no meal prep, no training, no seeing friends, no walking dogs just complete switching off time.

Not everyone has the luxury of long periods of rest fitting in with their goals and aims.

Just a photo of me one of the last times I made time to rest and recover. And dogs. Because who doesn’t love dogs.

I’ve committed to running a department, in terms of my career development, have a wonderful dog that deserves some time and attention and requires training, a goal of bodybuilding to further my training and mental wellbeing as well as studying to be a PT to better understand the world of fitness and as a future possible career route.

This doesn’t leave much time for my friends, family or let alone me.

So what I end up doing is multitasking. On journeys I listen to music, nap or revise and when I’m meal prepping I can be listening to music, watching a programme or on the phone to a friend. As I live with my family, it’s hard to have the kitchen to myself so I love cooking when no one is around, so I can take my time. This means it’s a lot of late nights but I don’t mind as this normally coincides with my work pattern.

I also sometimes watch short programmes like Friends, Brooklyn nine-nine or How I met your mother when doing my make up or getting ready for work.

However, this means my Sunday evenings are holy to me. I will hardly ever arrange to do anything with someone then. I normally spend them with my phone on silent or airplane mode watching TV, planning my weekly timetable or organising my room.

Me on my 22nd birthday when I went out with my best mate ❤️️

I know from past experiences that when I get busy and don’t allow for time to recover, I end up crashing and requiring 1 week of constant sleep and rest.

And that’s not functional.

Getting to a healthy balance when you’re able to make progress on your career goals, personal growth and still make time for family, friends and yourself is the final aim.

And when I find that healthy balance, I’ll be sure to let you know!!

Currently I’m on day 2 of a 3 13hrs work days, having to fit training in there at some point as well as prep for the next day. So that’s not healthy. But next week, I know I’ll arrange to take one day off so I can have a lie in and rest. That’s the only thing I can think to do. Balance your busy times with some rest for your mind and body. And listen to your body. Constant aches and pains are your body’s way of hinting you need to take some rest.

Just a photo of Lily sleeping because God knows she’s doing all my resting and recovering for me ATM.

All in all, if you’re happy and are enjoying doing what you’re doing it’ll be easier to not take rest and I’m one of the guilty people to do that. However, our bodies aren’t machines. They’re malleable substances that are what we make them to be. And require rest to reach these goals.

“No matter how fast life is moving around us, there is always a place of stillness inside.”

Wednesday 24th Oct

These past weeks have flown by!

I’ve been crazy busy with a fantastic new job, training even more intensely and starting my PT course.

Last week I had a bit of a worrying week, with my weight fluctuating 2kg in a day and just constantly being all over the place. I weighed myself daily to try and observe when these fluctuations happened and realised it was when my mental health was the most apparent.

When I get stressed, anxious or generally feel rubbish about myself I tend to spiral into a massive whirlwind of anxiety and depression. Years ago, this whirlwind would have taken me at least a week to get out of and then a following couple of days to recover. Now it normally takes me a gym session followed by some meditation.

Me at the start of my journey, self harming and suicidal. I had just made the decision to reduce my drinking, partying and coping mechanism.

I haven’t been doing much meditation recently due to just lack of time. This drastic effect on my physical really highlights to me that it’s important to find the time. I discovered the app “Headspace” which has been highly recommended by so many friends and now I cannot recommend it enough. You can cater your sessions to your mood and to your past history, i.e. Anxiety. I’ve been doing these each night before sleeping as well as whenever I needed them during the day; i.e. The tube is a trigger point for me so if I’m not feeling 100% I put a session on.

It’s so important that after really training hard in the gym, eating the correct foods and drinking enough water, we make the effort to take care of the other part of our body; our minds.

Headspace app- available on the App Store for free

I’ve always been of the opinion that you have no idea what the person infront you had gone through, and a smile and a positive conversation could make their day. Having worked in customer service for 6 years, I’ve been on the receiving end of many disgruntled and rude patrons. And you know what, it’s always when your mental health is at its lowest that it actually affects you. I’ve had panic attacks as an usher and then a patron has come over and shouted at me. However, putting on a happy face and smiling through your issues at work, (although not a long term solution) really helped me reduce the times I was being treated worthlessly by rude patrons.

As a manager, I often get staff coming up to me, in confidence, telling me of their anxiety and depression issues. I always tell them the above, emphasising the importance to really put on an act. My role as a manager is to not only run the show, but also to ensure a safe environment for my staff. It unfortunately is a very common trait of human nature to take advantage of the vulnerable, and a long face and worried posture really triggers this behaviour in people. Often at the end of the shift, the staff member will feel miles better than before because they’ve actually managed to get through the shift, or if not, no worse.

Some emergency numbers that are good to know if you need them.

This week, Connie has upped my food and taken away my cheat meal. No cheat meal!?!? That was exactly my reaction. But then I started to get excited for the final product. And then thought logically and remembered that I have a YouTube filming session for a friend on Friday so to look my best, this week has to be amazing.

So far so good. Meal prep, training and mental health have all been great. Still doing daily weigh ins and have been on 72.3kg for the past 4 days. I’m so happy that my weight has stabilised. FINALLY.

Connie texted me yesterday to remind me to try and get 6hours sleep a night at least. And I laughed. 6 hours a night is normally a luxury for me. I function on between 4-5 hours. I mean I work late and start early. By the time I’m home at 11:30/12 I’m in bed at 12:30/1 after prepping for the next day, then I’m up at 5/6 to either go to the gym or get ready for work. Then I’ve got a full day of running around a beautiful theatre and then finally heading to the gym (if I’m working late gym is in the morning) before getting to bed. She suggested I try and meal prep for 2 days in one. I’ve tried that today, cooking enough chicken for 2 days leaving just the measuring to be done. We’ll see how that goes, but hopefully it’ll save cooking time!

My message for today is to remember that it’s all good focusing on your aesthetics, and trust me it’s very easy to focus on this as a bodybuilder, but don’t forget your mental health. Even if it’s ensuring you have at least one early night a week, a walk in the park or a coffee with a friend, look after the whole of you.

Me taking a morning off and walking with my dog, who ultimately decided to roll in fox poo yummmm

“An unhealthy mind, even in a healthy body, will ultimately destroy health.”

Sunday 7th October 2018

Setbacks get us down everyday. Be that missing the bus on our way to work, forgetting to put deodorant on before going to the gym (the horror!?) or failing a test.

This past week has been super inspirational in some ways but I’ve also hit some setbacks.

This week I went for a second round interview for a Front of House Manager position and much to my surprise (and pleasure) received a phone call a couple of hours later offering me the job!!! Thankfully this will hopefully help resolve the issue of my poor sleeping habits, as the role is more of a day job, finishing most days at 6.

This does mean that sadly, I can no longer be a dog walker. This week was the last week as a dog walker, but I’m not too worried as I will be spending mornings off joining in!

Fashion icon am I right?

This week I’ve also had a rather nasty case of IBS. I have had a bad patch previously and went for a multitude of tests eventually for it to just go away naturally. This time I went to the doctors and they managed to prescribe me some daily relief medication and some medication for painful bloating.

This has obviously affected my progress. I looked bloated and I felt constantly frustrated with what felt like a step backwards in my progress. I became stressed and anxious, even though I know that IBS is greatly brought on by anxiety and I should be trying to be as stress-free as possible. Easier than it sounds!

My training also took a hit, as I struggled to make it through my workouts. I had to take a day off and return the next day to do two workouts and my cardio but I managed to do it!

Again: further fashion from me.

I went to the gym with a multitude of layers on; jogging bottoms, t-shirts and hoodies, stuck my headphones on and tried my best to get through the workouts. The first day was a Push session, which unfortunately I had to cut short and train in the evening when I’d slept all day. The next day I didn’t train at all but the day after I trained Pull in the morning and Legs in the evenings. I was dead! But I got through the workouts. Bethan reminded me that throughout this process I will have a lot of rubbish workouts, but these are better than no workout at all.

Thankfully I have some great friends, like Bethan (@bethanfitness) and Raidah (@raidahbmj) who managed to support me and get me through it.

These two awesome ladies have also reminded me how important it is to have good people around you. There are so many selfish people that keep you around for drama or for your life skills. I always think the best of people and find it difficult to realise that not everyone is willing to go the extra mile for me as I would them.

Had to insert a nice photo of myself to prove that I can dress.

Anyways I’m off for a sports massage to help my muscles feel nice and relaxed and ready for a busy week of a new job, lots of training and lots of eating!

Just remember; “the struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.”

Tuesday, 25th September 2018

Hi everyone!

Thought I ought to start by introducing myself.

This is me ~ demanding cuddles from Lily 🙄

My name is Cristina, I’m 22 years old and have a cute little maltipoo called Lily ~ you’ll be seeing lots of her!!!

My dad is from Uruguay and my mum is half Italian, a quarter Irish and a quarter English. I speak fluent Spanish and cannot wait to move to Spain at some point in my life so that I don’t sound like a complete “gringa” (a foreigner who speaks Spanish with an English accent)

My favourite colour is navy and I absolutely adore a long walk in a forest with my fluffball and her friends.

Good luck to future me to trying to get a better group photo.

I currently work as a Front of House Duty Manager in a theatre and love interacting with a wide variety of people, probably because I cannot stop talking!

I decided to start this blog along with a fitness account (@happyandfit4) because I have made the big decision of competing as a bodybuilder. I have just started with my awesome coach Connie (@connie_orange) and am currently doing a mini cut before going into an off season. Now my coach is also my very best friend, who is also an IFBB Elite Pro competing at her first pro comp very soon!!! (You can check out her progress on her YouTube channel @chasingratios)

Connie 3 weeks out

As a child I always enjoyed writing or reading a good book and so it seemed natural that I document my progress in the form of a blog.

Now how did I build this addiction to the gym?

Well around three years ago I developed severe anxiety and depression, reacting in many negative ways by partying, self-harming and over-eating. I had taken a break in my studies to recover from almost daily panic attacks and thankfully replaced negative behaviours with mildly less negative behaviours. However, this wasn’t enough. I had gained weight due to over-eating and became self conscious (even if I did have more curves!!??). I was at the end of a very successful run of a musical at my theatre and knew I had to return to university in a months time. So I decided to get a PT.

I chose to hire Raidah (@raidahbmj) as she had experience with people with disabilities. As I had previously fallen off a horse in the mountains of Italy (pretty smooth if you ask me!?) I was worried that I would damage my knee as had found that many exercises were not achievable anymore. Raidah was great. She showed me the basics and helped give me the confidence to enter the gym and train. I went everyday, persisting until my fitness improved and I could move onto weight training rather than the functional strength training we had been doing.

Fast forward a year later of training alone and I enjoy coming to the gym and have the confidence to train alongside people further along their journey and learn off of them.

Raidah has become one of my closest friends ~ and I don’t drink anymore 😂

So many people say this about exercise but for me the gym has resolved my mental health. If I feel angry, disappointed, anxious, worried or upset I go straight to the gym and within 2 sets of an exercise I’m back to smiling and focusing on the muscle group I’m training.

However, I’m a perfectionist and never satisfied with merely training like a normal person!! I needed to compete and see how good I could get! How strong could I really get? How mentally strong could I be to be dieting for a year plus?

So here I am, halfway through week 2 of prepping and loving the timetable and the bounds of chicken I’m eating!

Right, let’s get it guys…it’s leg day!!!!

Quad focused leg day today yay!

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton